Disclaimer: Adult Content

Tonight was Ryan's friend's infamous annual Christmas party. Every year he holds a themed white elephant gift exchange. The person who brings the gift that's voted the best, gets a prize. This year's theme was "strengthening a relationship." The rules were that it had to be funny, you had to have a description as to why your gift should win, and nothing religious can win. I seriously had the hardest time thinking of something. Then today it hit me. A prenup! Now, a prenup doesn't necessarily strengthen a relationship, but I saw an opportunity to write something funny. Perhaps they would ignore the fact that it didn't really stick to the theme, if it was funny enough. Ryan's gift was Hello Kitty duct tape. His description included a list of about 20 things that duct tape is good for. Things like: helping with home repair, makeshift jewelry for the wife, taping down the toilet seat, and taping a spouse to the bed, so they're forced to listen to you.

Here is what my prenup said. Read to the end. (Yes, I wrote this. I did not steal it from Google)

PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT

Whereas the party of the first part and the party of the second part recognize that someday they may part, we agree to the following terms in this prenuptial agreement:
1)  All property obtained during the course of this relationship (including stockpiles of cash, autos, houses, private jets, lottery winnings, and 2 for the price of 1 McDonald’s fry coupons) shall be divided equally amongst the two losers who couldn’t play nice with others and are seeking a divorce.

     2)  Friends shall be divided as follows: “Her” friends shall remain her friends and shall gossip behind his back at any and all opportunities including in any social media sites available to make sure no other female of the species will ever find him desirable again.  “His” friends shall remain his friends until such occasion as they shall begin dating her and then shall transfer irrevocably to the “her” category with all rights and privileges mentioned above.  In the event any of “her” friends shift to the “his” friends column without permission (or not by pre-arrangement to spy and report back in a juvenile “are we all still in high school?” manner) said ex-friends shall not have rights to return to the ranks of “her” friends and shall forever be labeled Dirty Mistresses, or other slanderous names to be determined in a fit of passion as such need arises.

     3)  All rights to a personal identity as an individual, either real or implied, are hereby waived.  You are now “Mr. Wifey” or “Mrs. Fascist Dictator” and you may no longer represent yourself in any personal opinions without express written permission of the other party.  Should you put forth an opinion without consulting your life-partner, be prepared to be a marital pariah with revoked bedroom privileges until such time as the partner forgets the infraction or the Taliban runs a scholarship program for women…whichever comes first.

     4)   Last but not least, in the event that procreation takes place in spite of all reasonable care and caution, both parents agree to abide this clause and it shall remain in full force in this agreement until DEATH do someone part: The party that petitions for the divorce, GETS the children.   Minimal visitation will be inflicted upon the 2^nd party.  The non-petitioning party may send noisy toys and non-house trained pets for Christmas, Birthdays and any other sadistic reason they can think of.  Upon court enforced/forced visitation, the non-petitioning parent may return the children dirty, full of sugar, and with all homework assignments incomplete for the next day.  No notice is necessary for the non-petitioning parent to decide to move to Brazil and take out an international restraining order.

With all love and devotion possible manifest in the above rules and clauses, we anticipate this being a long, happy and fruitful union. 

Signed: _________________________________            Date: ________________

Signed: _________________________________            Date: ________________

THE END

In the end, Ryan's duct tape did really well. Most of the wives at the party were stealing it back and forth. Not because it was a good example of the theme, but because it was Hello Kitty. My prenup, well, it flopped. Let me explain. The person who picked it totally ruined it. She read it really slowly, with no sarcasm or humor. She stumbled on "big" words and had to have her husband sound some of them out for her. Don't get me wrong, peopled loved it, but because she kind of killed its humor, it wasn't picked as best gift. It did, however, get passed around a lot, and it made it into the top 3. There were a select few that really wanted to take it home. Everyone at the party asked me for a copy. 

What did Ryan and I end up with, you ask? Again, let me explain. The person who brought the gift that was picked as the best got a prize. And the person who ended up with the gift that was voted the best also got a prize. So the intent was to try and gauge which you thought would win, and end up with it by the end of the game. There were some REALLY good ones, but only one that I had my eye on. This is where the disclaimer comes into play. Ryan ended up with a bag full of toiletries. Nothing special, nothing very funny. Since we were the first ones at the party, I was rewarded with getting to pick last in the white elephant gift exchange. Meaning, basically, that I would most likely end up with the most popular gift. Which I did. The favorite gift was an "adult" board game. I won't get into specifics, I'll just let the picture do the talking. It was indeed voted favorite, so I won a gift card to Macaroni Grill. Let's just say, this board game, if not thrown away, will NEVER see the light of day. I'm just really competitive and wanted to win badly, so I picked it. Other favorites included a Snuggie (for cuddling), handcuffs, a box of earplugs, nasal strips, and anti-gas pills, and a coupon for Red Box movies. 

After the white elephant exchange, we played a few rounds of Family Feud. Ryan and I were on opposite teams. We happen to watch Family Feud ALL THE TIME at home, so we were pretty excited. I was voted team captain of my team, who, stupidly enough, voted ourselves "The Losers." (Something about tricking the other team into thinking we were weak...and also not being disappointed if we ended up actually losing. Okay, whatever) I wanted to be called "The End of the World Survivors," but no one agreed. Anyway, it was a close game, but Ryan's team ended up winning. I was voted MVP for my team, so I got another Macaroni Grill gift card. Looks like our anniversary dinner is paid for. We had a fun time, as always. I especially enjoyed not having to make dinner, and getting to pig out on Wingers. Lilly was so well-behaved. While we played Family Feud, she sat on the floor and ate the wrapping paper and gift bags that everyone left on the floor. 

Well, I'm just happy that I survived the end of the world. Time to hit the sack. :D (Oh, and I don't have any pictures from the party, because I was a dum-dum and forgot to put a memory card in the camera. Sorry!!)