My road has never been a smooth one. But despite the heartache, I can honestly say that I'm grateful for every single bump. My biggest blessing in life came in the form of my sweet baby boy, Easton. Adoption is something that affects many people and something that many people don't understand. I certainly didn't when I started down the road of adoption. This is my story.
I was 19 years old, living in Omaha, NE. I'll describe myself as a lost sheep. Everything I'd been taught growing up was somewhere in the back of my mind, but I chose to ignore it. I dabbled in lots of dangerous things. The most dangerous were the people I decided to hang out with, and even more dangerous were the ones I chose to date. My relationship with Easton's birth-father was abusive. He used me for pleasure and then found joy in beating me down emotionally afterward. I had never been in a relationship before, so I thought this was normal. I was wrong. I broke up with him the week before I was to return to Utah for Summer break.
Shortly thereafter I found out that I was pregnant. I literally cannot describe how terrifying that moment was. I'd always been excited to have a baby, but this certainly wasn't the way I wanted to do it. I'd grown up in a Mormom family and this was the last thing they expected from someone like me. I first turned to the birth-father to see if he wanted to take some responsibility for his actions and be a father. I thought that we could try to be parents for our son. Again I was mentally abused as he told me that I should just get an abortion and that if I kept the baby, I'd be a terrible mother. From that second on I decided that he'd given up his rights as a father. I wasn't going to give him any information; no gender, no name, no details whatsoever. I've managed to be very successful up to this day.
Next I turned to my family. The shock that rocked through our family was something that I'll never forget. I was the golden child of the family; the one that went to a prestigious college, had scholarships, and wanted to be a doctor. Now I was the screw-up that got pregnant. I considered my options. Abortion was out. I certainly didn't believe in robbing my child of his life because I was too irresponsible to handle my consequences. At first I was set on keeping him. I wanted so badly to be a mom, and despite how scary and hard it would be, I thought I could do it. But my family had different plans. I'm sad to say that I was threatened with being kicked out of the house, thrown out of school, and pretty much forgotten as a daughter all together if I kept the baby. That's when I really had to step back and think about what it was that I was getting into. I thought about my mom. She had my brother when she was my age. She was faced with the same decision that I was, but decided that she was brave enough to raise him by herself. I grew up with a single mother of 3 kids and I was a witness to the everyday struggles. She worked her butt off! Nothing ever came easy, and she was so stressed all the time. That's not to say she wasn't a good mom. She always put us kids first and I felt her love in every one of her actions. But I regretted knowing that I was the reason that she never returned to school, and the reason for the tears when things got hard. I knew that if I kept Easton, I couldn't return to school. No matter how hard I tried, nursing school wouldn't be possible while having a full-time job and raising a baby. I'd have to pay for it myself and that just wasn't possible for me. School would be necessary to give Easton a better life, but it wasn't something that I could do if I was a single mother. I knew what my answer was, but I had such a hard time coming to terms with it. I wanted to be a mom.
I turned to the Lord. I prayed to know what was right and to be comforted in my decision. I remember the day I got my answer. I was laying in bed thinking, yet again, about how to make it work out with keeping the baby. I started to cry. When I actually thought about the work that would need to go into it, the fact that my family would hate me and leave me, and all of the trials I'd have to go through, it was overwhelming. Then, when I thought about adoption, and how a family of my choosing would raise him the way I would, and he wouldn't have to endure a life with a "terrible mother," I felt so at peace. It calmed me and I knew that adoption was the right decision. It was and is still hard to cope with to this day. I began my search for my baby's new parents.
I was only 6 weeks along when I started looking for adoptive parents. I went through LDS Family Services to find a couple that would instill the standards that I wanted my child to have. I had conditions for my family. 1) They must not have any other kids. I wanted Easton to be spoiled. I wanted him to be a big brother. I love my big brother and I wanted Easton to be looked up to by his siblings. 2) They must be firm and confident in their marriage. I didn't want Easton becoming a child of divorce. I was, and it's definitely not an ideal situation. 3) They had to be LDS. I wanted Easton to know the right path to live his life. I wanted him to know of his Heavenly Father's love. Despite all my mistakes in life, I always felt His love, and wanted Easton to feel it too. I probably searched through a couple dozen couples when I stumbled upon Karlee & Nate. What did it for me was their adoption blog. No other couple had a blog. I could tell that Karlee was like me; detail-oriented and crafty. The blog was so cute. She definitely went the extra mile, and I wanted someone like that to be the mother of my child. I felt reassured that they were the right ones. I started emailing with Karlee & Nate that week and haven't stopped since. On September 23, 2009, we met for the first time. I felt like I already knew them, and like they were family. I left our meeting feeling so uplifted! They were perfect! They told me that they were going to name the baby Easton Nathaniel. Nathaniel was in honor of me, and it certainly helped that Nate's full name is Nathaniel. I was honored that Easton would carry that small piece of me with him for the rest of his life.
Karlee, Nate, and I met up a few more times before Easton's birth. We went out to dinner for my birthday, where they were finally able to meet my mom. Before then, my mom seemed as if she didn't really believe that I was going to go through with it all. Meeting Karlee and Nate put her at ease, and I felt like she was more on board with everything. Around Christmas, we met up to have a little present exchange, and for them to meet my little brother Jack. I put together a gift basket full of baby stuff for them, and they gave me stuff for my new apartment. This was the first time that they were able to feel Easton kick. And not just kick, he completely shifted sides in my belly, so they got to see his body roll across my stomach. It was an amazing moment to share with them. Although, I think both Jack and Nate were a little creeped out. Haha!
On my last doctor's visit in January, my doctor noted that my blood pressure was high, so she wanted to induce labor that weekend. I was so scared! I called Karlee on the way home and said, "guess what? You're gonna have a baby this weekend!!" She screamed! Throughout the whole process, I made sure that Karlee and Nate were never left out of anything. I told them how I was feeling, I sent them pictures and videos of Easton kicking, EVERYTHING! I felt bad that Karlee couldn't experience this for herself, and wanted them to have as close to a real pregnancy as they could.
I was induced on January 29th. My mom was there the entire time to help get me through the hellish ordeal that lie ahead. No matter how many drugs they gave me, I wouldn't dilate. I was contracting, but not dilating. I can't describe how frustrating that was. Finally, they decided to break my water, and that's when everything took off. My contractions went from manageable to excruciating! I was only able to take about 3 hours of the worst contractions I've ever felt before I screamed for the epidural. I got the epidural and then called Karlee & Nate to tell them to come to the hospital (I promised them front row seats). They had only just arrived when the doctor told me that she was worried about Easton's heart rate. It was dropping with every contraction, so they decided to do a C-section. 36 hours of labor and I ended up having a C-section!! Come on!! I didn't let either Karlee or Nate in the operating room. I was only allowed to have 2 people in with me. And seeing as I insisted that my mom go in, I didn't want to rob one or the other the opportunity to see their son being born. I wanted them to meet him at the same time.
Once Easton was born, they whisked him off to do the normal baby care, and then wheeled me off to my room. Karlee & Nate were both there, looking like they could hardly contain themselves. Just then, my mom walked in with Easton. I hadn't really gotten a good look at him in the operating room because he needed attention, and I was busy vomiting. :P So we all got to meet him together. He was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. I couldn't believe I'd made such an adorable baby. I handed him over to Karlee, and I could just see how much she loved him already. Getting to watch them become parents was so touching.
I was blessed with 4 days in the hospital with Easton. During that time, I got to share some really special moments with him and my family. My mom transformed! She went from resenting me for getting pregnant, to being the most supportive and loving mother. She adored Easton. I had to fight her to hold him. She stayed with me in the hospital and actually enjoyed getting up at night to change and feed him. She was truly enjoying being a grandmother. My little brother came everyday to see Easton, and when it came time to say goodbye, he cried. I'm grateful that my family got to meet Easton.
Then on February 4, 2010, the worst day of my life began. I woke up at around 5 am, and immediately wanted to hold Easton. My mom ran to get breakfast, and I decided that this would be my last time to get to talk to him. I told him how much I loved him, I told him why I made my decision, and I begged him to forgive me. I felt guilty. I couldn't stop crying. The love that I felt for him was overwhelming and I knew that our bond would be broken soon. I signed the papers, and was told that I could have however much time I needed to say goodbye. My mom and I sat with Easton and cried. Then Karlee & Nate came in. We chatted for a bit longer, cried some more, and then I knew that it was time. I handed Easton to Karlee, kissed his head, and told him how much I loved him. I don't think I stopped crying for weeks after that moment. Saying goodbye was truly the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The hole in my heart is still there.
For the weeks to follow, Karlee was so sweet and tried so hard to help me heal. She would text me pictures whenever I wanted, she sent me pictures in the mail, and kept me up-to-date on everything. Getting the information calmed me down, but also made it worse. It took me about 3 months to get over the worst of the emotion. Once in a while I'd have a breakdown, but I knew that the whole experience had made me a much better person.
Getting pregnant out of wedlock may be looked down upon by most people, but I happen to be proud of what I went through. Change can only come when we're ready to change. Easton was my rock-bottom. He opened my eyes and showed me that life is worth enjoying, not wasting. So I turned my life around and rejoined the church. My life has truly been blessed by Easton. I firmly believe that my adoption journey was always my destiny. I was sent here to help Karlee & Nate have a family, and Easton was sent to help me have a family. Without Easton I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't have met Ryan. I can never thank him enough. I can only hope that one day he can thank me too.
He is mine in a way that he will never be hers, and he is hers in a way that he will never be mine. And so, together, we are motherhood.
