Take The Path Less Traveled

As the drama in my life piles up, I can only remember my favorite phrase: "be the bigger person." My constant blog rants and thinking about shutting people out of my life may not be the epitome of being "the bigger person," but I've decided to do what's right for me. To all of my readers who don't know the in-depth Natalie or really know me all that well, my family issues are all too common. I've known this my whole life. I haven't always had the best relationship with family members. I haven't always made the smartest decisions. I don't claim to be perfect. But I do claim to have a good head on my shoulders, act with good intentions, and will always be there to love and support my family and friends. The past week or so has made me realize that those qualities aren't always extended to me. The past 3 years of my life have been the best and the worst. My "rock bottom," my "crossroads" was having Easton. If my family wants to accuse me of being a dramatic, bad person, then that's their call. But I happen to be VERY proud of where I came from and what I was able to get myself out of. Opening up the door a bit, I was headed down the road of dabbling in drugs and alcohol, hanging with very dangerous people, eating disorders, and making lots of bad decisions. I can't help but feel that I'm still seen and judged as if I'm that same person. I dropped my guard down and spent over a year deeply focused on my personal repentance process. I changed everything about myself. I became the person I always wanted to be. I married the man of my dreams in the temple; a place I thought I'd never be able to set foot in. We are sealed for time and all eternity, and I'm beyond proud of that. I have the gospel in my life, and I look forward to continuing to learn while I teach my own daughter the amazing treasures to be found.

So my purpose of this post is to shut down my naysayers. Even those in my own family don't know me. They weren't exactly there for me when I hit my hardest times. In fact, it's been the opposite. I'm a bit bitter at the phrase "your family will always be there when you need them the most." I have found that they usually fight me the most and criticize me the most. Don't get me wrong. I love them to death and I would do anything for them. But during times like this, when I'm at my lowest point and most vulnerable, where are they? Who is it that's upsetting me the most? The answers to those question are depressing, I must admit. So my decision is made. I will only be focusing on my own little family from now on. Too many outstanding problems exist and keep arising. Until they are resolved, I can't continue this way. And trust me, I've tried to resolve them, but have only gotten shut down.

I'm depressed and upset about my own broken family, but I am beyond grateful for Ryan's family. I can honestly say that Ryan's parents are the epitome of perfect parents. I've never seen them talk down to him, and I've only seen them show him love and support. I tell Ryan all the time that's he's so lucky to have the parents and siblings he does. My brothers and I never learned how to apologize or say "I love you" while growing up. The example was never there. So those two things have been so hard for me to get comfortable with. Ryan is so good at it because of the amazing example of his family. I'm happy I have them. I'm happy that our daughter will get to know them and learn from them. I want to start calling the baby "Mini Jan" because that's who I want her to be like. Jan is my hero!

This post has been jumpy and long, but these are my feelings. I can only beg that those of my family and friends that immediately judge me based on the gossip and lies that go around my family can try to also "be the bigger person." Give yourself a chance to get to know me before you assume I'm just a mess up. Stop listening to the lies that specific people tell to protect themselves. Because right now, I feel like a real mess up, and I don't want to. I'm truly trying my hardest to find the good during this terrible time. I believe that I can only do that if I shun the negative. It hurts me to think that I feel so angry towards certain family members. But I can only reach out and be turned down so many times. So, if you're my family and you're reading this, I look forward to your reaching out. I'll be here...



(Day 324)