Backwards

I knew today was going to be a hard day for me. February 4th. The day, 2 years ago, when I handed over my sweet baby. The pain and guilt were so intense, I find myself feeling it just as strongly each time I think about it. I woke up early this morning because I was thinking about the time I was sharing with Easton 2 years ago. As I sat there thinking, the baby started kicking me. HARD. I felt reassured that maybe that was the Lord reminding me that my baby girl was MINE, and that nowhere in the near future was I going to have to give her away. I wanted to share the moment with Ryan, so I reached over to find his hand. He sleeps in a bit of a cocoon, so I had to do a lot of digging. Once I found it, he snuggled up behind me and lightly chucked as she kicked his hand. What a special way to start a day that I always dread. If you had told me as I handed Easton over and was wheeled out of the hospital, crying as hard as I ever had, that in only 2 years, I'd be happily married with my own little baby on the way, I wouldn't have believed you.

After that, our morning went as it usually does. I made us breakfast, we ate it while we watched Gold Rush, and then I went and showered. But after that, my wave of fatigue hit me. I'd like to think it was just fatigue. I lost all motivation to do the cleaning I usually did at that point, so I just plopped on the couch and watched depressing shows. Probably a bad idea. Little did I know, Ryan was upstairs, hard at work. I had initially intended to clean out the baby's room in preparation for this week's carpet cleaning. Instead, Ryan did it for me. He moved the elliptical downstairs, moved the litter boxes into their new place, and hung the doors back on our closet. I think he could tell that I was a little down. And he definitely knows me well enough to know that food would make it better. He took me to lunch at my new favorite Chinese food place, then took me out shopping for baby fabric.

I would like to send a HUGE thank you to Shanda! Thank you for suggesting Mormon Handicraft, because guess what? We found a really cute fabric for the crib!! FINALLY!! The anxiety relief from finally finding it made my afternoon nap that much better. Then dinner was in order. I wanted to test out the recipe that I'm going to be making next weekend for all of my in-laws. Ryan liked it, so I guess he approves of me serving it to his family.... After dinner, I did what I was supposed to do this morning. I vacuumed (stairs included), did laundry (folding included), cleaned both bathrooms, and then started cleaning out the nursery. I'm happy to say that my blank canvas is ready! I will most definitely sleep well tonight, knowing that every weekend from here on out will be dedicated to decorating the nursery. My goal is to have it 100% completed by April. So today was long and had a backward routine, but it was very productive.

My blank canvas! I can't wait for the before and after pictures. If Ryan would let me, I know I could finish it in one weekend.

(Day 288)