When it Rains, it Pours

I know a lot of you have been keeping up with our latest chaotic family happenings via Facebook, so this is just a recap of the whole story.

Monday was the first time since having the babies that I was completely on my own. Up until this point, since I've been sick, my mom would watch all three kids until about 9 every morning to try and give me a few hours of extra sleep. Sadly, she's the next victim of the sickness going through the house, so she really just needed to focus on getting better. At some point, I needed to attempt putting on my big girl pants and try going at this mother of 3 thing alone. My day started bright and early at 6 AM. Despite still being sick, I managed to take care of all three kids by myself and I was feeling really proud of how I was managing. It almost felt easy! Not only did I actually get dressed in something other than sweat pants, I actually showered and put on makeup! Between feedings, I was able to do chores and felt a bit like the old Natalie...which is a good thing. When Ryan got home from work that night, I begged him to watch the kids while I ran out to grocery shop. I needed to get out of the house and just wander a store. It's sad how these kind of mundane events can suddenly become the "exciting" highlights of my life. Anyway, I was off enjoying myself at Target when I got a call from Ryan. I instantly knew something was wrong. My perfect day went South so fast...

The tone of Ryan's voice made my heart stop. He said in a panic "Natalie, Lincoln isn't breathing! He's turning white and I can't get him to respond!" In the background of the call, I could hear the sound of him pounding on Lincoln's back to try and get him to wake up. I just told him to go straight to the ER and that I'd meet him there. Thankfully, there's an emergency room 2 blocks away from our house. When I got to the emergency room, I found my tiny baby surrounded by doctors. Over the next few hours, lots of blood tests were done, an IV put into his scalp, and lots of tears shed by Ryan and myself. The tests showed that he had a severe case of RSV and pneumonia. This stupid bug that's been making its way through our house hit him really hard. They ended up sending Lincoln and myself to another hospital, via ambulance, since they weren't equipped for infant care at this one. His main problem at this point was that he would stop breathing for periods of time, and when he was breathing, he was working so hard! During the night, he had another episode that scared the doctors. They warned us that if he kept doing it, they'd have to send us to Primary Children's Hospital, since they, too, didn't have everything he would need.

We started Tuesday hopeful that maybe he'd start to improve, but as the day progressed, he actually started to get worse. His periods of not breathing were becoming more frequent and he would stop for longer periods of time. They finally just decided that we'd have to transfer again. Helicopter was the only way to go, since he needed better care STAT. That's when everything became chaotic. The Life Flight helicopter crew came in with their big stretcher and started prepping him for the trip. They were going to have to intubate him since he wasn't stable enough to transport. That's when I lost it. Up until that point, I only cried when they poked him. When I saw him with the tube in his mouth, I felt so bad. There's nothing more hopeless feeling than seeing your baby in pain and unresponsive. 

Ryan and I sat at his bedside and cried. The hospital social worker had been asked to come and talk to us, since they could tell that we were slowly breaking. They were worried for us as much as they were worried for Link. The social worker took us into the hallway to regain our composure. We started talking (part of the plan to distract us from what was happening in the room), and eventually he asked us what our religious preference was. That's when some pretty amazing things happened. Once they were able to stabilize Lincoln enough, the doctors ripped off their gowns and masks and offered to give Ryan, Link, and myself priesthood blessings. I was really shocked. Up until that point, they were just doctors to me. Sort of impersonal. Now, suddenly, they were fellow LDS members, coming forward to serve us spiritually. Lincoln's doctor gave all three of us blessings, while his nurses held my hand and offered me tissues. The spirit was so strong as they teamed up to support us. I don't know how to explain it other than to say it was really encouraging to see them go from professional doctors, hiding behind masks, to church leaders, holding my hands and going through the pain with me. I'll never forget it. 

They loaded Lincoln and I up in the helicopter and we made the flight to Primary Children's. It was my first helicopter ride, and while I should have been enjoying myself, I really wish I didn't have to have this "first" under those circumstances. Once at Primary Children's, they got Lincoln settled and filled in the new doctors and nurses that would be taking care of him. I was still a bit overwhelmed with everything. In only 24 hours, we had been at 3 different hospitals and his condition was deteriorating. There wasn't much that I could do other than hold his tiny hand. It was comforting to me to see how my presence made such a difference in his demeanor. When he started to struggle with the breathing tube, all I had to do was put my hand on his head and start talking to him, and he would calm down. I really struggled with having to watch them do all the blood tests, catheters, and spinal taps. They were concerned about a secondary meningitis infection, but thankfully, that test came back negative. Just in case, they have him on antibiotics anyway.

It's been a few days, and nothing much has changed. Today they tried turning off the ventilators to see how he'd fair on his own. Unfortunately, he continued having bouts of apnea, so they turned the machines back on. I sit at his bedside all day by myself and think about how badly I want life to return to "normal." Granted, we don't really know what "normal" is at this point, since we've all been sick since the babies were born. I've been taking all of this quite hard. It's so beyond hard to see your baby like this. I would give anything to take the pain away. I'd endure it all for him if it meant that he didn't have to suffer.

Throughout it all, we've received so much support. Not just from family and friends, but from strangers and people at the hospital. It's been surprising to me how much the nurses want to help ME feel better. This morning they brought Lincoln a blanket that had been donated to the hospital, and it really does make all the difference in the world to know that everyone cares so much. Even through the smallest of gestures. I've decided that once we get back to normal life, I will be sewing blankets and knitting hats to donate to local hospitals. I want to bring some sort of small bit of happiness to other families going through what we are. And whenever I'm at the grocery store and they ask me if I'd like to donate a dollar to Primary Children's, I will always say yes. What I love most about Primary Children's Hospital is that they're a charity hospital. A lot of what they do for the families of the sick children comes at no cost to the family. I'm going to try a lot harder to donate more and to get others to donate. I'm thinking of getting the Relief Society to do monthly meals for the Ronald McDonald house. I've also realized that even though I wanted to be a nurse, I could NEVER work in a pediatric unit. As I wander the halls and see or hear the other sick kids and babies, my heart breaks. I want to stop and hug each and every one of them and let them know it's going to be okay. I'm beyond grateful for the nurses that are strong enough to handle what I can't. And I'm even more grateful that they love my Lincoln like their own. Nurses rock!

I've been talking to a lot of people and been receiving an enormous amount of support. The love and support have been helping me stay positive and try to find the good through all the sadness. I'm realizing that even though things are hard right now, it could be worse. Believe it or not, Ryan and I have become closer as we have had to unite. I've realized that we've become a little too comfortable in life and maybe a bit prideful at times, and it takes something like this to immediately humble you. I can say for sure that I've been changed by this experience, for the good. 

As far as the girls, Lilly and Ellie have been with Ryan's parents. We just wanted them as far away from this virus as they can get. Throughout all of this, in the back of my mind, all I could think about was whether or not the girls would be okay. Ellie got really sick, but has actually been getting a lot better on her own. Lilly's been sick for over a month and I started to worry that she had pneumonia too. Jan took her into a clinic to get tested, and thankfully she tested negative for both RSV and pneumonia, she just has a lot of junk to clear out of her lungs. I miss my girls so much! I keep telling Ryan that when I get my babies home, I just want to hold them and never let go. I miss having a baby curled up on my chest. Despite how overwhelmed and tired I was before all of this happened, I'd give anything to have it back. And, sadly, I called and unenrolled Lilly from preschool today. There's just too much going around, and she needs to get better. 

On a side note, we are now faced with having to pay for all of this. One of Ryan's friends that had a baby Life Flighted to Primary's, got a $250K bill for the ride. We're faced now with the fact that all of the money we've worked so hard to save for our house is now going to be used to pay for this not-so-fun experience. I'd pay whatever it takes to get my baby better, it's just depressing to see everything we worked for disappear so quickly. Looks like my mom and Jeff get us as house guests for even longer now. Like the title of this post says, when it rains, it pours. It's definitely pouring...

The first thing I saw was my tiny baby on a huge bed, and just his little head poking out from under the blanket. He was having a hard time maintaining his body temperature. 

Three different IV attempts and it ended up in his scalp. He so did not like that...neither did I. 

I was crying...

On the stretcher for the ambulance ride 

Apparently I stepped on a heart monitor sticker. I was clicking as I walked! Ahh, the troubles of spending time in a hospital...

As we neared the transfer to Primary's, I think we had at least 15 different people in our room. It definitely helped contribute to the level of anxiety

Prepping for the helicopter ride

This is when I started to bawl. I hated seeing him like this...

Can you tell I'd been crying?

Downtown SLC

How many more cords can they have him hooked up to?

Holding daddy's hand. 

This is the adorable blankie that they brought me this morning. I love it! 

He finally opened his eyes! When he's not sick, he likes to look around for hours on end. I missed seeing his beautiful eyes. I made sure he saw me and knew I was there. 

Always by his side. My being there calms him down when he starts fighting against the breathing tube. I don't have much of a voice right now, but I'd hum "You Are My Sunshine" all day as long as it comforted him.

They took out the scalp IV, since it went bad. Unfortunately, it ripped off all his hair and some of his skin (not happy about that!!), and he's starting to get a bad rash on his cheeks where the medical tape is. Poor guy! I feel so bad! I can't wait to hold him again.