Worst Day Of The Year

In previous years, this day, February 4th, has literally been the worst day of my year. Obviously the first occurrence 3 years ago was the ultimate worst, but it's gotten increasingly better as time goes on. Every year I find myself pondering the events of that day. I woke up, knowing that it was adoption day. I immediately called the nursery and begged to have them bring in Easton. While my mom ran out to grab some breakfast, I held Easton and talked to him. I didn't know if I'd ever get the chance to say the things that weighed down on my heart. Through tears, I apologized for "giving him up." I told him how much I loved him and told him that I was doing what I thought was best. That cute, little face, sucking on his binky, looked up at me and only made the moment that much harder. No matter what I said, it didn't take away any of the extreme guilt that I felt.

Once my mom came back with breakfast, we both passed Easton back and forth, trying to ignore the elephant in the room...the fact that I was going to hand him to his new parents any minute. Lots of tears were shed. My adoption counselor came in, told us that Karlee and Nate were waiting in the hall, and that I could have as much time as I needed. I signed the papers, trying to do it as quickly as I could, otherwise it would only draw out the pain. Once they were signed, I kind of felt numb. Like my signature made my decision permanent. There was no going back...even if I had wanted to. 

Eventually Karlee and Nate came into the room. The 5 of us all cried together. I knew I was allowed as much time with him as I wanted, but I knew that drawing out the moment would only make the separation harder. I don't know what prompted me to, but I decided it was time. I sat in my wheelchair with Easton, kissed him goodbye, told him I loved him, and then handed him to Karlee. The instant he was out of my arms, I started to bawl. My mom wheeled me out of the hospital, all the while I was uncontrollably crying. To this day, I will never forget the looks that I got from the other new parents wandering the Labor and Delivery unit. They must have thought that my baby died or something. 

Once I got home, I went straight into my bed and prayed for sleep to overtake me. It didn't. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed, until my mom had to come in and tell me to be quiet. I was in the basement, and she could hear me from 3 floors up. I would just sit and cry, and say "my baby...my baby's gone...my baby...I want my baby..." It hurt so bad, I thought the pain might actually kill me. I couldn't stop thinking about Easton. What were Karlee and Nate doing with him? Why did they get to be so happy, while I wanted to die? What did I do to deserve this kind of pain? Would I ever get over him? 

I didn't get out of bed for a few weeks. And for the first month or so, I dreamt about Easton every single night. At some point, there was a change that happened. I honestly don't remember what made me finally get out of bed, clean my room, start going to the gym, and try to move on with my life. But once I did, I felt so much better. The pain was still unbearably intense, but I was trying to create a life for myself. A life that would make Easton proud of me. I didn't give him up, just to fail. 

Within 4 months of the placement, I met Ryan. And, as they say, the rest is history. February 4th, although my most hated day ever, will also always be the first day of my new, amazing life. I say it all the time to my family, but I KNOW that having Easton was always part of my plan. The Lord works in very mysterious ways. I feel like I was hand-picked in Heaven to be the person that helped Karlee and Nate have a family. I was made to be strong enough to handle such pain. And I feel like the Lord wasn't allowing them to have kids of their own, until they got Easton. Ever since having Easton, every time I think of my blessings, I stand all amazed at how great my life is. I always find myself thinking about how these are just the blessings that were promised me when I made my ultimate life sacrifice. I know that I have what I have because I made the right choice. My favorite quote is "sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same." 

Sometimes I wish others could know how hard my decision was. Oftentimes when one of my friends has a baby, I'll ask them to think about their time in the hospital. Think about how in love they were with their new baby. Then to imagine that he was given to someone else, as they left the hospital empty-handed. Think about the pain that you would feel if your baby wasn't yours. And I know that the Lord knows my pain. He, too, gave his son. I found comfort in that. 

The adoption will always have a part in my life. It shaped me into the person that I am today...good things AND bad things. But when I think about it nowadays, I don't feel sadness or anger anymore. I feel gratitude, amazement, and wonder at all of the ways that things worked out. I know that Easton is happy. Who wouldn't be, with the incredible family that he has? That one point makes it all worth it to me. Would I do it all again, if I had the choice? YES. 

Right before giving him to Karlee. Thank goodness my bangs were covering my eyes, because I was doing a lot of crying.