I've been struggling a lot lately; emotionally, physically, mentally, the whole shabang! It could probably have a lot to do with stopping birth control (sorry, TMI, but loss of insurance will do that to ya), stopping anti-depressants, and stopping all drugs that make me tolerable and sane. I've slowly started to notice that I've been on a very unpleasant mood roller coaster lately. Seriously, I get SO mad at the slightest things. I realized I took being pregnant, and not having random moments of PMS, for granted. Luckily for mine and Ryan's sake, I've been able to bottle most of it up inside and just sulk instead of scream, but I don't like it. If I ever doubted that my meds did anything, I certainly don't now.
I've started to get really depressed. Saying I've been feeling hopeless is a bit of an understatement. I look at myself in the mirror everyday (most of the time I avoid mirrors), and my eyes well up with tears. Who is the fat woman staring at me? I'm sick of feeling so ugly all of the time. Ryan's always telling me how beautiful I am, but in my mind, I'm screaming "I'M NOT BEAUTIFUL!! I'M A FAT COW!" That's not fair to me, and it's certainly not fair to Ryan. Well, stemming from conference, I've been noticing that a lot of the things my church leaders have been saying to me, today especially, are just what I need to be hearing...not always the easiest to hear, but necessary, nonetheless. I'll call them my "conference resolutions." Who needs New Years resolutions, when you have the Prophet to kick you into gear twice a year?
My complete lack of self confidence has gotten to the point of me feeling like I just need to start over. A clean slate. Not entirely sure how, and definitely not brave enough, the Lord decided to step in today, as a gesture of help. During testimony meeting, a woman ran up, last second, and said "I'll try and hurry, but I just felt like I needed to say this. We need to ignore what others think, and try and clean our slates, to be what the Lord would have us be." I thought to myself, "Oh, how I wish I could..." Ryan and I both came home from church and wanted to talk about the lessons we received in Relief Society and Priesthood. We learned about the Word of Wisdom. For me, my addiction to food and loathing of activity is keeping me from receiving blessings. I firmly believe that. I'm so wrapped up in wallowing about how fat I am and how everyone must think I'm so ugly, that I'm completely missing out on the amazing husband and daughter I have. We talked about that in Relief Society. Being my first day in the new ward, I didn't quite feel comfortable adding in and letting everyone into the sad reality of my mind, so I just sat and pondered.
After putting Lilly to bed tonight, we decided to move FHE up to this evening. We sat on the couch and discussed what we both felt we needed to do to keep with the Word of Wisdom and better our lives. When it was my turn to chip in, I couldn't hold back the flood of tears that's been threatening to eat me alive all week. I just burst out crying, telling Ryan how I've been so upset with myself lately, how I can't go on the way that I am, and how I so desperately want to be healthy and thinner. We devised a plan.
From now on, we are scheduling out 100% of our time and our meals. We've worked out a plan that allows both of us to escape to the complex gym, that's no more than 50 feet away from our house, and we've decided to get onto the meal plan that my personal trainer made up for me a few years ago. It was VERY successful for me back then, so I have high hopes that I'll see some results.
Over the past few months, Ryan and my mom have both been trying to get me to workout more and eat right. Telling me things like "just do it, and you'll start to enjoy it." I tried, I really did, but I didn't "start to enjoy it." I was telling Ryan this evening that I'm like a drug addict. I can't change until I want to change, not by the force of anyone else. I've finally gotten to the point where I'm wanting to workout, but it's just so hard when I have to try and juggle Lilly too. It stresses me out more than anything. I'm hoping that with this new plan, Ryan and I can each find personal, quiet time to run off to the gym each day, and in the near future, we can start to see the personal results that we both desire. Our reward for ourselves is a trip. In maybe two year's time, when I can bear to look at myself again (IF I can lose some weight), we're going to take somewhat of a second honeymoon. I look forward to falling in love with myself again, and showing Ryan how much more love I can share with him when I love me too.
Wish us luck!
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