Words

Today was hard on my body. This past week, the baby turned to the side and has been kicking me like crazy near both of my hips. But today, I think she moved back into the head down position. As if my gallbladder pain wasn't enough, I had baby feet in my ribs all day. Then, on top of that, I kept getting lightheaded and almost passing out in church. All I could do to not black out was hang my head and shut my eyes. I will admit that it made listening to the speaker a lot easier....

It's funny how when you're in a certain frame of mind, you find yourself picking out things people say and turning them into something you needed to hear. For some reason, I've been hearing the saying "actions speak louder than words" a lot lately. But today in church, it was phrased exactly the opposite. The Stake President put it this way (I think he quoted from the scriptures, but I don't remember which book)..."a whip cuts the flesh, but words can break the bone." Out of context, that probably doesn't make a lot of sense, but I thought to myself "YES! Some of the words that have been said to me lately have felt like weapons". Recent actions of my family members have been so hurtful, but at the same time, their words have cut deeper than any of those actions. The overall lesson in church was that we need to watch what we say, either to someone's face or behind their back. I know this lesson was for me. I'm not the best at it, and I know a lot is said behind my back, but I know our words are our greatest weapons. I wish some of my family would realize that some of the things they do and say to me and Ryan, whether intended to hurt or not, are indeed hurtful. Maybe that's where this big messy situation I'm going through right now is stemming from. Miscommunication and unfiltered minds are not a good combination. It's a combination that's got me really depressed. Any time my mind wandered this weekend, it went straight to my mom. I miss her. I about break down crying every time a baby shower is mentioned (that's out of the picture), any time maternity pictures are mentioned (she was supposed to take them), and any time the baby overall is mentioned. I guess I could sum it up by saying "I miss my mommy." But we've both misused our words and gotten ourselves in too deep. I'm still trying to figure out the right words to fix this whole situation. I can think of a few: "I'm sorry," "Let's just start over," "I love you," ..... it's just hard when it feels like it's all one-sided.



(Day 331)