Looking Back

Seeing how I'm currently unemployed, I've taken to staying up a little later each night to goof around on my iPod. I felt prompted to go back to post #1 on my blog. My first post ever, only 1 month after having Easton. If you haven't counted, in the 2 years I've had this blog, I've posted a total of 451 times. Yep, I read them all. When I finished, I felt an array of emotions. First was pride. I felt proud of how well I healed after having Easton. My posts were so upbeat and encouraging. I could actually remember those days, when I was finally able to stop crying over the adoption. I was happy. I was upbeat. I was also proud of how confident I was, not only spiritually, but physically as well. I was working out and losing tons of weight. Looking at the pictures made me envy my past self. I laughed a little too. There were times when I would just start talking about a subject as if I'd already filled everyone in on it. For instance, Ryan. All of the sudden, one post was talking about how I just started dating Ryan, and the next was talking about moving up the wedding date. I think I was having too much fun in life to care about keeping up with daily or even frequent posts. But as I kept reading, I started to get sad. I'm not sure if the feeling of depression was emitted through my posts, or if I was just remembering back to how incredibly hard my time in Omaha was, but all of the sudden, everything good about my earlier posts was gone. I could feel that I wasn't the same. Again, I wonder if that was coming through the posts, or just me remembering. I was sad that the time in my life, when I should have been happier than I had ever been, I was actually the worst I've ever been. I don't think anyone was ever told about how I truly, TRULY broke when I was in Omaha. I spent days just sitting in bed crying. I missed Ryan so badly, I wanted to give up everything to go home. I didn't care about school. I didn't care about me. All I could think about was getting home. I broke. I can honestly say I broke permanently. And, sadly, I'm still that same person. I miss the Natalie from the early posts. If you want to know what I'm talking about, go back and read a few posts from the beginning. If I learned anything from reading from day one, way back on February 25, 2010, it was that there is a different person inside of me, way down deep. I felt motivated to find her again. Having this baby is priority one, then I can start down the real road to recovery. Step one for me is getting back onto my medications and working out. Once the baby is born, I'm setting a goal to lose 100 pounds over the course of a year. Ryan really wants to go on a big trip, a real trip to somewhere tropical, so he told me that if I could get to my goal, we will make that trip reality. I want to feel confident about my body, beautiful in a swimsuit, and attractive to my husband. I know Ryan's attracted to me, but this is me at my worst. Imagine me at my best! Anyway, I learned a lot by reading my blog from start to finish. People change. I certainly did. But I'm not settling for how things currently are.



(Day 327)