S.O.S

I don't know what to say today. I've literally hit my breaking point. Last night and today have been so upsetting, I feel like I can't go on and I don't know where to turn. I have no friends. No one that says "Hey, you need a girl's day out" or "hey, you wanna come watch a movie?" or "talk to me, let it all out." I don't have that. I don't know anyone I'm connected to enough to just "let it all out." I thought I did, but I was wrong. I won't put that burden on Ryan either. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to convince myself that it's going to be okay. I literally didn't get out of bed today. This may upset some people, but I didn't eat a single bite of food or drink a single drop of water. I spent all day wrapped up in a ball, crying and reeling from what happened. Ryan came home, saw that I was asleep, woke me up, and had to prepare for the instant tears the second I opened my eyes. Certain decisions were made last night, and certain hurtful things were said, and I was feel like I've lost everything. I know I said that I wouldn't talk about my life drama anymore, but I just don't care. I feel like I'm throwing out my S.O.S. Something or someone needs to save me because I can't do it anymore. I have a broken heart over the fact that the most important person in my life (other than Ryan) has been cut out of everything I wanted; no more baby shower with my family, no invite to the birth, etc, etc. I'm so not the person to want to make these decisions, but I just can't continue pretending that I'm okay with the way things are. I can only pray that something will change. I can only hope that my telling myself "things will work themselves out" will actually come true. I'm hurt not only for me, but for the other half of this battle. I'm in pain for them. It hurts me to hurt them.

I'm embarrassed that everyone will now know how messed up my family life is. I'm embarrassed and saddened that I couldn't just be happy with my life, and instead had to confront problems...only making them worse. My intentions were only to try and clear the air before the baby came, so that drama wouldn't have to be a part of her life too. And now, because of me, not only will drama be gone, family will be as well.

I'm just frustrated because so many people keep poking their nose into this situation, probably thinking they're making the situation better, but they're not. It's like seeing everyone that I thought was on my side scooping a shovel full of dirt and throwing it on top of me. So many "friends" have contacted me and accused me of things that are hurtful and untrue. And why? Guess who got to them first? Why does it feel like everyone wants this to be a battle? It's not about taking sides or defending the other person. It's about being loving and supportive, regardless of your opinions. More likely than not, you have no idea about even half of what's going on or the history behind it, so you're just pushing me deeper and deeper into my hole, all for the sake of what? Please! Someone stand up for ME. Someone lend me a hand instead of piling on the burden. I just want support, not hatred.

I'm not sure what to think, but I keep having little contractions when I get all worked up. My gallbladder is still insanely sore. Maybe the only good thing to come of quitting my job was that I can get the bedrest I need. I just wish I could be happy and excited during this time, instead of depressed beyond belief....


(Day 328)