Head Above Water

The title of this post says it all. It's taking everything I've got to just keep my head above the water. Last night truly felt like I was drowning, and I was okay letting go. Ryan told me a few nights ago, "if you give up and stop trying, it means you don't care anymore." I really took that to heart and have been trying to remember it when I get weak, because I do care. I do care about my family. I do care about my baby. I woke up this morning a bit more chipper than I've been. I'm trying to stay away from the source of all my pain, and I can honestly say that I'm terrified to check my email or turn on my phone. It's gotten to the point of just keeping my phone off for good. So, sorry to anyone who's contacted me and not gotten a response via email or text. I'm hiding for a bit until things cool down. But like I said, I tried my hardest to not give up today. I feel SO exhausted not only from being in my 3rd trimester, but from crying so much...and being depressed, I guess. It's not a good combo. I slept in a just a bit, showered, cleaned the endless pile of laundry that's been piling up, and attempted to eat. It's amazing how a shower can make me feel so much better. Having not eaten or had anything to drink consistently for a bit, I find these moments of pushing myself to be a tad overwhelming. Showering makes me more lightheaded, going up and down the stairs makes me feel weak, and just being up in general makes me feel hot and faint. But I was able to take it slow enough to do dishes, laundry, and make the bed...to which I jumped right back into shortly thereafter. There is a benefit to having my phone turned off though. Usually when I nap, it's customary that someone on the planet feels the need to call me and wake me up. I hate it! No calls today though. I had a really amazing nap; freshly showered in a newly made bed. Nothing better.

I also attempted to get back to being somewhat of a good wife. Ryan's been making me dinner or eating alone for the past little bit, so I wanted to make him something special. I made chicken-fried steak, mashed potatoes, and a salad. He walked in right as I finished setting the table. It's funny how not eating for awhile makes trying to eat that much harder. My tummy isn't used to taking in so much food, so I filled up fast. It was delicious though.

Here's to another day down and hoping tomorrow is brighter.

Having ranch on my salad makes it look like I covered everything in gravy.

Willow does this every time we eat. If your hand gets too close, she's grab it with her paw and pull it towards her mouth. I think it's so cute! It doesn't matter if you've got something on your finger or not, she needs to smell it and lick it anyway.

(Day 329)