Natalie & Ryan: Opening Up

So I spent most of my day on Google chat with Ryan (which is typical while at work...shh, don't tell our bosses!), but I decided to finally open up about what I've been going through. Anyone who has ever struggled with depression probably feels like it's one of those "struggle alone" type of issues. And for me, it is. I feel embarrassed or weak when I bawl in front of Ryan or try to get people to realize that even though I'm laughing and I seem fine, what's really going on inside is intense pain. This past week has been pure misery! I kept most of what was really going on quiet, not even telling Ryan. I think he started to clue in when I would cry myself to sleep. Today I told him how bad it really is. I told him what makes it better and what makes it worse. Being the amazing husband he is, he suggested that we go out and do something to take my mind off of things. What's better than a little mini golf?

We have a favorite mini golf course at the Hollywood Connection. We went when we had just barely started dating. Ryan and I like to make bets for "favors" when we play games like Scrabble or when we mini golf. We cash them in for date nights or Ryan will cash them in to force me to let him buy me something I'm being stubborn about. One time Ryan won a Scrabble game that we had declared as a 50 favor game (usually each game is about 3 favors). Little did I know, he was storing up his points, and used them as a joke and cashed them in when he proposed to me. Anyway, when we played our first game of mini golf at this place back in June of 2010, we tied. So today was sort of a tie breaker. I was pregnant and slow, and I couldn't bend over to get my ball out of the cup, but I miraculously managed to win by 1 point. We didn't actually bet anything for this round, mainly it was just to make me laugh and feel better...and to settle the old score. We had fun. After the game, I let Ryan decide where he wanted to go for dinner. He chose IHOP. I got a burger and he got a waffle. I just really wanted my Diet Coke is all. That's my equivalent of booze, so I needed a good, stiff "drink" to make me feel better. hehe!

I think I'm doing okay. I have had a lot of emotions pent up for awhile, and I was able to finally talk to Ryan about them. Problems with my job, problems with my self image, problems with my family. He was extra sweet today...if that's possible. Today I stumbled across a quote that I really loved. It said "Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it the most." It's so true.

We love our coupon book! FREE mini golf!

This was my favorite hole. It's a city scape during an earthquake. It actually rumbles and shakes. Ryan hit the ramp, the ball stopped, he got frustrated and picked it up to throw it into the starting hole, it bounced back and rolled to his feet, then he tried to throw it down the side ramp, but it ended up bouncing into the rocks instead. It was hilarious!

So during our first time here, after we'd only been dating for about 3 weeks, I hit my ball so hard, it went straight up the volcano and plunged right into the top. At first Ryan and I looked at each other and said "where's the hole?" We thought it was supposed to shoot out somewhere. I was SUPER embarrassed when I realized my ball was forever lost and wasn't going to come of out any hole.

I still had the score card on my iPod from the first game back in June of 2010.
(1st column is Nat, 2nd column is Ryan)

IHOP! The burger I chose was perfect for a prego lady. It had a hard cooked egg on it. Well, it was supposed to be hard cooked. It was actually still runny, so when I bit into the burger, molten hot egg yoke shot all over my hand and spilled down into my hair. I find some joy in making Ryan laugh (or I guess you could call it embarrassing him) when we go out, so he took this picture of my messy face.
(Perhaps I should cut my bangs too...)