Babies

Aside from my depression, this subject is probably one my most sensitive topics to talk about. I would have to say that 65% of my anxiety stems from the topic of babies. My whole life I grew up wanting to be a mom. I always wanted a baby. After the adoption, a huge hole was left in my heart, and I truly don't think I will ever fully heal until I can have a baby of my own...one that I get to keep this time.

For any mother or soon-to-be mother, I ask you to put yourself in my shoes. Think about the birth of your child. When you get to hold it and show it love for the first time. Then think about having to give that baby away. That pain is what I live with on a daily basis. What is the reason for this post? It's to get something off my chest, and possibly help people that are in the same situation that I was in.

I know SO many girls that are pregnant right now. Some married, some married because they got pregnant, but most of them are single moms. Every time that one of my friends announces that she's pregnant, it cuts me. It truly does. It hurts SO badly to hear that someone is either going to go through what I did and make the wrong decision, or they get to go through what I want to go through, by having a baby with their husband. I can't even imagine how much joy can be felt from having a baby with someone you love. I had a baby with someone that I hated, and even then I adored Easton. Having a baby that's half me, half Ryan is my biggest dream right now.

All I can say is that I'm really having a hard time watching everyone going through this. I'm happy for them, I really am. A baby changes your life, and you'll never be the same person again. I guess I'm just jealous. I want so badly to have a baby!! And at the same time, I'm mindful of those that can't. That's what makes me so frustrated. All of these girls that are getting pregnant don't even realize what they're taking for granted. The gift of conceiving a child doesn't come easily to everyone. I've seen it, and I continue to watch women that are desperate for babies rely on the decisions of immature young girls. I can't imagine what it would feel like to have to put myself out there and practically beg for a baby, all the while having to watch as unfit girls become moms.

A baby doesn't fix problems. I know lots of people that are having babies because they think it will. I feel so sorry for these girls. A baby only makes things ten times harder, and any problems you have will most likely become more stressful. I was faced with this realization as I considered whether or not to keep Easton.

So I've taken what I feel and what I know, and I've made the decision to wait. As fun as it would be to say "let's have a baby!", we're not going to right now. I want to do it right this time. I want to bring a baby into this world and give it everything it needs. And part of what it needs is a healthy mom. I'm content waiting because I know that I was blessed with the gift of being able to conceive, and when the time is right, it will happen. I just continually pray for those that are on the other side; those that have to adopt. Keep them in your hearts and know that they too are in pain every time someone says they're pregnant. Please be mindful of the people around you. You may not know how much pain your joy can bring others.

I guess at this point I'm just rambling, but I've had this hit me so hard lately. I'm happy that I was able to complete someone else's family with my baby, and I can only hope that there are other brave girls that are willing to do the same.

P.S. I don't mean to offend anyone with this post, or take away from the joy of a pregnancy. This is just how I feel.