The past several months have been a very emotionally filled, confusing time for me. I had a perfect summer that ended with me questioning everything I am. I've worked very hard to heal from the adoption and all of the new changes in my life. Seeing how the adoption was only about 7 months ago, I was feeling really proud with where I was emotionally. I felt like I could let go and move on with my life. It certainly helped that I'd had someone come into my life and fill the void. Ryan was the last piece to my healing, that's for sure. But somewhere in the middle of July, I took 10 BIG steps back. A lot of it had to do with the fact that the adoption was getting closer and closer to being finalized. Being a birthmom, I can say that it's like living the day of placement all over again when you hear that your child is officially adopted and going to be sealed to his new parents. I feel like I had a lot of it rubbed in my face and I struggled with it. It felt like he was taken from me all over again. It's been the most painful last few months since the adoption as I'm still living in this storm of emotion. Moving, dating, and living in this new world of chaos that is Omaha, has made it really hard for me to sit down and collect my thoughts. I feel like I've been taking it out on people that don't deserve it. I've had to temporarily cut ties with people, all in order to just breathe. So many people want to know about me and how I'm doing and to be honest, I just can't open up right now. I can't communicate with anyone other than my mom and Ryan. It's weird to see myself right now. Where I was once so at peace with the adoption and my life, I'm now facing all of the negative emotions again. It's so hard to live it all over. It really is. I guess my main point of this post is to just say I'm sorry. I'm sorry if anyone has been hurt by my sudden change in personality. But in all honesty, can you really expect that everyday would be happy? Having gone through what I've gone through and continue to go through? That's an unrealistic expectation. There are aspects of all of this that have been a shock and almost smack in the face. News and decisions that knock the breath out of me. I'm struggling to deal. Luckily, I have an amazing man in my life who, despite the fact that none of this is really his burden to bear, holds my hand and supports me every step of the way. All I'm asking is for a little time and a little more understanding. I know I've probably hurt a lot of people with how I've been acting.
Some good news to end this very sad post...Ryan and I are moving up the wedding to January 8th!!! My mom and step-dad were married on January 8th, 2008 and weren't able to be sealed in the temple. 3 years later, Ryan and I have invited them to be sealed WITH us on the same day!! I can't think of anything more special than to share my wedding day with my mom. Haha, my mom has always been at my side for the biggest events of my life, so why stop now? I can't wait! I can't wait to be sealed to the most amazing person I've ever known. If you had told me a year ago that I would be planning an imminent wedding, I would have laughed in your face. My life almost feels like it's grabbed me by both arms and is pulling in opposite directions. On one side I'm staring my future in the face and about to marry the man of my dreams and on the other, I'm extremely sad and almost resentful at the things I've been through. How does one find balance in this situation? I find myself praying and seeking counsel more than ever. It's hard to do when I don't have to desire to talk to anyone other than a select few people. But I'll get through it. I've been through worse, I'm a strong person, and "it isn't at bad as you sometimes think it is..."
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