33 Weeks

Just wrapped up 32 weeks and am looking at 7 more weeks until the finish line. We had a doctor's appointment today. The last of our monthly appointments. Next week we have our first two week appointment, and then we go to the one weekers. We learned a few things during today's appointment. The first was that I have lost 5 pounds. I know my depression is to blame. I'd be worried if I was a skinny twig, but, seeing as I'm quite the chunky woman, I think I have plenty of stored fat to get by. Baby is still strong and healthy, my blood pressure is good, doctor is still urging me to get my gallbladder dealt with, and we were given a very hard decision to make....

Most of you have already been informed on the situation, but here it is again. I had a C-section with Easton because his heart rate was going down with every contraction. Little bugger was squishing his umbilical cord. This time around, when my doctor asked me about my birth plan, I decided that a regular vaginal birth was plan A, and if necessary, a c-section would be plan B. AKA, a VBAC (vaginal birth after Cesarean) Today, when she started telling us the risks of said plan, it really got me thinking. Now, I know a doctor is required to tell me all the risks, and that most of the time it tends to just freak people out rather than inform, but I had a lot more to consider than I once thought. She told us that a VBAC would be tricky and risky because I could tear my previous c-section scar, cutting off all oxygen to the baby, possibly killing both of us, or crippling her. She followed up that zinger with "don't worry, I've only had it happen to me once in my 13 years." She then informed us that my weight makes a VBAC more difficult and less likely. I had to agree. I know my chances, and I'm all for the c-section until I think back onto the living nightmare my last c-section was. I was in labor with intense contractions, no food, no sleep, for 2 days. We did the c-section, and all I could think about was how the next four days were my last time to ever spend with Easton. I refused to sleep. I was exhausted, in intense pain from the surgery, and scared about what the placement would do to me. Granted, a lot of the negative aspect of that experience won't be carried over this time (thank goodness), but what will carry over still scares me. The catheter, the UTI, the infections, the SURGERY, the staples, the having to get out of bed and walk just 30 minutes after having been gutted.... I'm scared. Weighing my options, here's my list of pros and cons:

1) PRO: I want to TRY naturally first just to see if I can get to the point of doing the VBAC successfully. Part of me was excited for the spontaneity of it all. When will my water break? Can I stand the labor? Can I do this myself?
CON: what if while trying this, I do tear my scar and hurt the baby? What if I can't actually muster up the physical strength to push out a baby because of my weight, and end up having a c-section anyway?
2) PRO: I want a natural birth because it's less expensive and has less of a recovery time. I wanted to get back into working out and getting me back to being both physically and emotionally healthy.
CON: a c-section requires 8 weeks of healing time, I can't walk up and down our stairs, Ryan can only get a couple of days off after the baby (most likely just the time we spend in the hospital if I have a c-section), which means I'm on my own once we get home.
3) PRO: this is me being vain and selfish, but a natural birth means that I can get the pictures of them placing the baby on my chest and Ryan and I looking at her for the first time.
CON: with a c-section, they show her to me and whisk her off. It would be another hour or so before I could see her, essentially making ME the last person to officially meet her or hold her. I hated that last time. If I do a c-section this time, not a single person gets to see her until I see her first. Selfish, yes, but remember what the adoption did to me.
4) PRO: The only pro of the c-section that I can see is that I can plan. I can know when my baby is coming, have everything ready for her, and just go in and get her out. And, maybe this time I can have my makeup on for pictures, instead of looking like the living dead.
CON: if I say yes to the c-section, I'm worried that they'll only ever do c-sections from here on out, and I'll never get my chance to go natural.

I don't know. I think after all is said and done, all I can think about is how miserable I was last time. I was alone through it all, even when I got home, and part of that will still happen with Ryan not getting any time off. I know plenty of family will jump up to help, but there's only so much they can do.... Maybe I'm just being a wuss. Maybe I'm just scared to give up a lot of what I had "planned." Maybe I just over-think everything. Maybe I just need to do what's right for the baby, and not worry about me. Yes, I think all of the above. Hmm...still have to ponder this one for a bit.

Is it just me, or does it seem like all of my pictures are starting to look the same? I think I'm done growing.

(Day 339)